A loop of unbearable, hiding pain. The only thing that relieves me through long hours is this colourful moment I’m in. Here and now, nothing matters. A stream of freedom flows over my thirsty temples. I laugh hysterically as I dance on the square colours. The sadness that once swarmed my totality releases from my body, though it’ll be back in 7 hours. I watch swirling faces consume glasses of poison regret. Tonight feels better than ever. I eventually find my way to the balcony. The New York skyline fills my view. The lights slowly blink. I find myself noticing a distant group smoking. As I look through their faces, there’s few in any close reality. I am accepted a puff of their mysterious substance. I tilt my head back, slow smoke escapes through my smiling teeth. My jaw drops wide open. I stare up at the midnight sky. As I slowly lower my head, I’m met with a pair of new eyes standing in front of mine. A new desiring state floats through my heavily clouded brain. Her expression is blank, saying nothing but everything. I’m not sure how long we look through each other. I am not sure who else is around. I have no concept of anything besides her. Her eyes are stars. Starstruck is an understatement for the emotion come upon me. She is the only thing I see. Flashing colours fill the exterior of her sharp face. An aggressive musk radiates the balcony. Her jet eyelashes batter. She is mystic. I must talk to her. 

“Who are you?”

She blinks once slowly.

“I’m not sure. I don’t feel human.”

Her response is filled with an unfamiliar familiarity. 

“Me neither. I don’t feel real most days.”

“This could be a dream. The veil between the dreamlands and reality is thinning.”

A laugh falls out of me. She has a chilling charm. 

“It could, though you are making me feel awake.”

She gives me a confusing smirk, and hands me a cup.

“Don’t make me drink alone.”

Her tone is firm. I smile softly, taking a sip from the potent poison. I look above, pink glitter floats through the air, it spirals and falls onto us. Glitter spreads onto her long chocolate hair, the wind threads through the shining pink strands. I watch her sparkle in awe. 

“What’s that look you’re giving me?” 

I fluster.

“What look?”

“That one.”

“I’m not sure.”

“Try to not let it consume you.”

Her demeanour is changing, I begin to feel a sharp pain in my chest. I’m not sure what’s real right now but I’m running out of time to satisfy her. I feel utterly compelled to continue talking to the woman. A shadow walks over me, I become vulnerable. 

“I come here often, I don’t like admitting it but it’s an escape. I’m not sure from what…well I do. It’s…myself. Sorry I’m not sure what I’m saying right now.”

Her demeanour changes. Her light jewel eyes reflect off mine. She feels seen. 

“Me too…I’m surprised I’ve never noticed you until this grim night. Though it’s easy to get lost in these consuming crowds. Everyday…I just wish I knew where I was going. I wish it didn’t hurt every time the dark swarmed. I wish I didn’t hurt people with the way I am. I spend days waiting for nothing. Sometimes I cry. I cry out for any clarity. I thought I’d have it figured out by now. I don’t have anyone to blame for my actions, no one to blame for the way I am. I am repulsed this is who I’m faced with every morning. I hurt. I hurt with every dry bone in me. Then I end up here…and do very bad things. You should leave.”

Her words echo my exact reality. I refuse to leave. I love every addicting word she speaks out. My brain melts as I watch her still face in the flashing lights. The colours begin to race faster. A deep overwhelming sensation creeps up my spine. Cold clammy droplets drip down my neck. My lips slowly shade purple. I somehow manage to respond.  

“Listen…at the end of the day, what does blame do? Not every devil has horns nor angel has wings. I know we just met, maybe this is young, drug-filled lust, but in this moment I actually believe in those stories of love at first sight. I’ve never felt this. It hurts all over. I’ve been waiting for you my whole life. I’ll show you everything, every part of me. I’ve got nothing to hide! This moment with you is a reminder for both of us that good can happen. The stars led us on a sorrow sad path, but maybe things aren’t always as bad as they seem. It’s you and I here. Maybe millions go by, but they’re not in view; I only see you and your starry eyes.”  

She stares through me, this time with a released sharper edge. 

“Stop.”

“What?”

“Now you’re giving me that look again! Stop! Leave now!”

I stare at her huge pupils, they grow angrier and angrier as mine grow shruken and lost. 

“I told you to not see me through those eyes!”

Things turn nightmarish. She pounces towards me. Her blinding fangs sink into my pulp neck. All is blurry. My toes curl. I’m not sure what’s happening. I scream out. 

“What’s happening? You’re hurting me!” 

“Don’t spoil yourself with everything that seems gratifying. Your ego is prevailing. I’m not real.”

A curdling howl releases from my choking throat. I cry out. 

“Think about what you’re doing! You don’t need to hurt the things you love! We can be happy!”

“This fantasy you’ve created for yourself has finally caught up to you.”

My whole world hangs at her fangs, she sinks into my neck once more before dissolving from view. All goes still. I scream while sinking into the grounds of the club balcony. Distorted dance music fills my void. I stare up at the blinking stars. Long tunnels of light race to my leaking eyes. I float up as fear lifts my drug-filled body. I whisper out,

“Am I finally going back home? Am I going back to the stars?”

I’m beyond frightened. I feel like a scared child hiding from it’s dark imagination, though somehow I deeply long for the woman’s previous words of comfort with whatever soul is left in me. My long bones begin rattling. Skin drapes off me. My broken chest caves into itself. My external is falling. I am formless. I am horrified. I slur my last words.

“Please…help me…is she gone? Is the monster gone? Tell her to come back.”